.... the condensed edition compliments of Modern Drunkard Magazine. Here are the most important rules to consider whilst drinking yourself into a drunken stupor. I added some personal insight as well so pay attention. Grab a drink and get comfortable.
- There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work. There's nothing wrong with drinking before 9am if camping or attending a special event or if you enjoy beer for breakfast.
- The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
- Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
- Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious. Scotch makes me belligerent.
- If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
- If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
- It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
- If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours. NOTE: ALWAYS CHECK FOR BUTTS!
- If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
- Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.” I do this from time to time.
- Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
- Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
- Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
- Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
- If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it. Sipping is for pussies.
- If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
- Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
- It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
- Always have a corkscrew in your house. And a bottle opener especially if you're an import connoisseur.
- Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
- If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
- If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
- Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
- Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night. I do but that's besides the point.
- and the most important rule to remember.... it's okay to drink alone.
Until next time....
